Gold Digger M: Chapter One

The Tomb of Tyanthraxus

 

            It was the middle of the night in Iran, and two figures were looking down from a hill, at a mysterious tomb. This tomb, the tomb of Tyranthraxus, was guarded by an entire army of terrorists, and arms dealers. The only thing keeping the terrorist from seeing the two people was the rocks in front of the figures.

For those of you who are having flash-backs to Gold Digger comic one, this is totally different! No really, it is.

For one thing, these were both guys. One was clad in blue jeans and a Rebel Alliance t-shirt, the kind you got in Disney World, near the Star Wars ride. He also had some Nike tennis shoes. Another interesting thing was that, he was wearing relatively stylish eyeglasses, and had bright blue eyes. His brown hair was blown about in the light breeze. He had a bright smile, and looked relatively handsome, if a bit nerdy. He was about average height, and in his late teens.

The other figure was much more…unique. He was clad entirely in shiny, grey, techno-armor. All that a person could tell about him was that, from the shape of his breast-plate, was that he was extremely muscular. A black visor shrouded his face entirely. He was over seven feet tall and appeared to be about the same age as Mitchell though that could not be determined due to his armor.

The armored figure turned to the nerd. He asked, in a slightly annoyed tone, “What the Hell are we doing here, Mitchell?”

Mitchell sighed. “Look, Matt. I was looking around the web, and noticed that this site, while admittedly lacking in the treasure department, does have two important things. One, It has the mythical Sword of Omens, a device which grants anyone who uses it the ability to recharge their allies, and the power to see with ‘Sight beyond sight’”

“And, why are we getting it.”

“I need it for my Halloween costume, and it’d be something cool to give to the Southtown Museum.”

“We’re here for your HALLOWEEN COSTUME!!!!!!”

Mitch gulped as the armored figure towered over him. “Hold on, Bro. The other thing is really cool. It’s a machine that has recorded every moment in history.”

“Every moment?”

“Every single moment. Including the extinction of the dinosaurs, the destruction of Rome…”

“Every single porn flick in existence…”

“Matthew, stop thinking like that. We’re not here so you can get your kicks.”

Matt sighed. “What? You don’t want to? Still, how are we gonna get past the terrorists over there without dieing. They’ve got Stinger Missiles, and AK-47s.”

Mitchell smiled, “Don’t worry. I have a plan. We’ll sneak past, like in Metal Gear.”

Matt was silent for a second, and gave the distinct impression that he was glaring at Mitchell. “We’ll sneak past. Like in Metal Gear. The game where every time I play, I get caught, and take out fifteen guards, then die horribly from a hundred wounds.”

“Yep.”

“Sounds fun. Let’s go.”

Mitchell and Matthew, also known as M&M, looked down at the terrorists. There was a single guard, who had his back turned to them. They looked at each other, nodded, and jumped down the hill.

The guard turned down, and saw two people running down the hill. Before he could have time to call for help, the two figures leaped in the air, and hit him with simultaneous drop kicks. The figures, M&M, then bounced back, Matt using his armor’s boosters to land on his feet. Mitch, however, landed right on his butt.

Mitch stood up, and rubbed his backside. He turned to Matt, and motioned for him to hide behind a nearby crate. He then ran toward the crate, his hands straight behind him, leaning forward.

When they got to the crate, Matt looked at Mitchell. Mitchell peeked around the crate, then turned back to Matt. He made a series of high-speed hand gestures to Matthew. When he was done, Matt had one question to ask.

“What the hell did you just say?”

“You know, I really don’t know myself. I was just doing it to be cool.”

“You are definitely a nerd.”

“And that’s a bad thing? Anyway, you take point, and I’ll follow. We take out any guards we see, silently, and get around the back of the tomb. When we get there, we’ll take the back entrance to get to the tomb, where we’ll get the central room, where the Universal Archive File is. We then download it to my specially-designed CD, find the Sword of Omens, get out, and head home. Those terrorist idiots will never know we came.”

“Good plan. Nice exposition, too. What if we get caught?”

“The terrorists kill us by cutting us in half, then letting live maggots feast on our raw flesh until we die of sheer pain.”

“Like Mom will if she finds my playboy collection?”

“Exactly. Let’s go.”

M&M snuck onward, from crate to crate.

As they passed by a crate, Mitchell looked at the label. It said, “Genuine Iraqi nukes.”

Mitchell muttered to himself, “So that’s where they went.”

He looked forward, and then stopped. He turned to Matt, and pointed. Matt looked onward, and saw that there was a single guard in their path, with his back turned. Under his helmet, Matt smiled.

He walked over to the guard, and quickly wrapped his arm over the guard’s neck, and squeezed. The guard struggled silently, unable to breath, until, finally, the pressure snapped the man’s neck. Matt then let the limp body fall to the floor. He stood over the corpse, and uttered a single word.

“Fatality.”

“Matt. That’s from Mortal Kombat, not Metal Gear.”

They continued there crate hopping, until they reached the front of the tomb. They then snuck around back. Soon, they had reached their destination, the back door of the tomb of Tyanthraxus.

Matt leaned back, and stretched a bit. “That was easy.”

Mitchell had a serious look on his face. “Too easy…”

Matt glared at him, and walked into the tomb. Mitchell ran a bit faster, and assumed lead position.

He explained, “Look, Matt, I am the leader of this little expedition. Considering I am the one with superior knowledge of tombs, and I have an almost supernatural ability to sense traps.”

A spear leapt out of the floor, and narrowly missed Mitchell’s nose. He blinked, and then twisted around, balancing on one toe, with his hands out in front of him, as another spear sliced through the air where he had been moments ago. Then he had to move his hands, as another pair of spears nearly pierced his palms.

Matt watched this, as Mitchell went through a series of twists, dodges, and contortions, all in trying to dodge the spikes. Matt then pulled out a Playboy magazine, and began reading it, while Mitchell dodged for his life.

After Matt was halfway through, he heard Mitchell yell, “Mission, Complete!!!!!” He looked up, and saw that Mitchell was standing with one foot back, about shoulder length, and with his hand in the air making a V-for-victory sign. Near misses had ripped his pants and shirt, and even drawn blood in a few places. Still, he had a goofy smile on his face, and stayed in his silly pose.

Matt sighed. “You are such a nerd.” Matt then stood up, activated his jet boosters, and floated over the spears. Since there was no pressure, they did not activate.

Mitchell looked at Matt. “You cheated.”

“So?”

Mitchell sighed, and began to walk forward. Soon he and Matthew were out of sight.

Little did they know they were being watched by a mysterious figure. The only thing that could be seen about this figure was that it was female. All other features were masked by the ever present shadow around this mysterious treasure-hunter.

The female figure looked at the spear trap disdainfully. She smiled, and leaped into the middle of the spears. A spear shot out in front of her, and she leaped backwards. Another spear, and she twisted aside. Another, and another last second dodge. Each spear she gracefully dodged, in a series of almost dance-like, agile maneuvers.

Finally, she reached the end, completely unscathed. She smiled, and stretched, with only one sound.

*bounce, bounce*

She looked down at her ample breasts, and sighed slightly.

Mitchell was talking with Matthew, still complaining about Matthew’s cheating. “Look, I know you like that armor and all, but you could at least try to test the traps. I mean, it’s pretty unfair that I get cut up and you doooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnn’tttttttttttt…………”

The last word expanded because he had been so busy talking to Matthew, he totally forgot to watch where he was going. Due to this, he fell down a rather deep pit.

His voice echoed off into the distance as he fell down the seemingly bottomless pit. Matt sighed, and jumped in after him.

Matt met Mitchell halfway down, according to the armored warrior’s sensors. . Mitchell appeared to be waiting. “What took you so long.”

“I took my time coming. Need a lift?”

“Yeah. I can’t fly you know.”

“Hm…you know, maybe I should just let you drop. Mom might give me your PS2…”

“She’ll also promptly take it away, along with your TV, Computer, N64, Gameboy, and anything else remotely fun you have, for letting me get killed in the first place.”

“Good point.”

Matt grabbed Mitchell, and lifted him up, taking him to the side they started on, then dropping him. His boosters then sputtered twice, and fell to the ground.

Matt cursed to himself. “F***! My boosters are busted. I won’t be able to fly until my power core recharges itself. Well, looks like we’re stuck. That pit’s too far to jump. It’s 30 feet across!”

Mitch smiled. “Well, I guess I get to show off one of my inventions.”

“You mean like your jet-propelled bicycle?”

“Yes. But this is more useful. It’s…” Mitchell pulled out a strange object. It consisted of four cylinders. The cylinders formed a square, with the front of each cylinder forming a sharp tip. They appeared to be connected by a faint glow. There was a button on each of the cylinders.

“An Instant Bridge!”

“What!!!!!!!!”

Mitchell smiled, and pulled the cylinders sideways, until they were about a meter apart. He then stuck the cylinders into the edge of the cliff. He pushed the button, and the front two cylinders shot off like a rocket, sticking into the cliff at the other end. Mitchell suddenly leaped forward…

Onto solid ground. Mitchell explained, “The four cylinders create a stable magnetic field. This field repels all matter that touches it. It forms an invisible bridge. Also, I fit in a nice ability to have it possible to strengthen the field’s repulsion at the ends, shooting them off like a rocket. Cool, huh?”

Matthew was already across.

“Hey! Wait up!”

Mitchell ran after Matthew, and rounded a corner. Soon, he was far away from the pit trap.

As soon as he left, the shadowed figure appeared. She looked at the pit trap, and rolled her eyes. She stepped back, and ran towards the huge pit.

She leaped, and soared over the pit. She soared 32 feet, and landed gracefully on the other side. She straightened up, and flicked her long brown pony-tail.

*bounce, bounce*

She then slapped herself on the forehead.

Soon, Mitchell and Matthew had reached a huge room, covered in skeletons. Many of the skeletons were dressed in armor. Mitchell recognized the insignias of numerous kings, including Alexander the Great. Along with his lesser-known cousin, Alexander the Pretty Good.

Mitchell smiled. “Good. We’re in the room where the Sword of Omens was shattered. Since the Daemon Mouse is off with the Rat Exterminators, this’ll be easy.” Mitchell then pushed a skeleton aside, to see if the sword was under the skeleton.

The skeleton pushed back, knocking Mitchell into Matthew. It then got up, and its scattered bones merged together, forming a skeletal warrior. More skeletons appeared, and soon, M&M were faced with an army of skeleton warriors.

Matt glared at his brother. “This is most definitely your fault. But don’t worry. I can handle this.”

Mitchell took a step back, and motioned to Matt to go on. Matt smiled and took a step forward. He pulled out a HUGE plasma cannon, as big as his arm, and pointed it at the horde of Skeletal warriors. He fired the cannon.

The blast was huge. It fired through the skeletons, and the wall behind them. When the smoke cleared, there was nothing left of the skeletons, and there was a huge hole in the wall. Matt smiled, “Perfect shot.”

Mitchell smiled. “Wow. You got all the skeletons in one shot, and blew open the wall. Good one. Now, where’s that sword…Ah, there it is!”

On the floor, there was a slightly-charred sword. It was split into two halves, and the hilt had a strange looking slit on it, almost like an eye. It was clearly the legendary Sword of Omens.

Mitchell picked it up, and pocketed the two pieces. He then walked forwards whistling a happy tune. Matt followed. Under his armor, he rolled his eyes.

After they had left, a figure peeked her head around the corner. She looked at the gigantic hole, and whistled to herself. “Damn. Those guys are GOOD.”

Then, one of the non-animated skeletons got up. It looked at her, and said a single word, which struck fear into her heart.

“BOOOOOBBBBBIIIIIEEES!!!!!!”

She pulled out two twin pistols, aimed it at the skeleton, and fired. Then she fired again, then she fired some more. Finally, she stopped, and put the pistols into her holsters, held together by wrappings on each leg. She heard the familiar click of the specialized holsters.

She then took one step forward.

*bounce, bounce*

She sighed. “Okay, that’s it. I am getting a new bra as soon as I get home.”

Meanwhile, M&M had just arrived at the U.A.F.

Mitchell looked at the device, which was in the center of the room. He smiled, “This is it. The Universal Archive File. Every moment in history is recorded on this machine. Within this machine is completely unlimited knowledge. I can learn…anything.”

Matt yelled out. “Show me a picture of Pamela Anderson naked!”

Absolutely nothing happened. Mitchell glared at his brother. “You have to turn it on first. You press the big button inside a square.”

Matt looked forward, and pressed the button. On the machine, a picture of Pamela Anderson, completely nude, appeared.

Mitchell put his head to his hands. “I should not have said that. U.A.F. stop that, and show me where to insert this CD, to copy you.”

Gina’s voice stated, “U.A.F. help file #009642 activated. To copy the U.A.F., please put your 1 terabyte CD into the CD burner, which should be glowing…now.”

A glowing slot appeared in the structure of the U.A.F. Mitchell inserted the CD, and a message appeared on the U.A.F. monitor.

“Copying…0%.”

A voice suddenly rang out through the room. “Hello, Boys.”

            M&M turned around. Standing in the doorway was a teenage girl, about the same as Mitchell, and a few inches shorter, who looked almost exactly like a younger…

            “LAURA CROFT!!!!!”

            “No, I’m Lily Croft. Her illegitimate daughter. Now, give me the…what are you staring at?”

            Sure enough, M&M were both staring at something. Lily looked at their gaze, and traced it. They were staring at her, and, judging by the angle of their eyes, they were staring at…

            She clenched her fists. “Stop…looking…at…my…BOOBS!!!!!”

            Mitchell looked up. “Sorry, It’s just, they were so big, and…I sound like a pervert, don’t I?”

            “Yes, you do. And your friend over there is still staring.”

            Sure enough, Matt’s helmeted head had not moved from its position.

            He was muttering to himself. “Boobies. Big boobies. Squeeze, boobies. Squeeze, big boobies.”

            Lily quickly drew her gun, and pointed it at the ranting pervert. “If you don’t stop, I’ll fire.”

            He laughed and looked down at her face. “What? You think you can hurt my armor. It’s unstoppable!”

            Mitchell began backing up behind the U.A.F.

            Lily answered by firing a single shot, straight at Matt’s helm. It bounced off his armor. Matt pulled out his Plasma Cannon, and fired.

            But Lily had already started to jump upwards. She flipped over the doorway, and the blast went right under her. When it cleared, she dropped, and fired a single volley, directly at the gun. The bullets pierced right through the gun, and shot out the back.

            Matt cursed, and threw the gun away. He assumed a fighting stance, and motioned for her to come closer.

            Lily smiled, and ran towards him. When she got in range, he sent a punch flying through the air. Lily barely managed to duck under it. She came up, and had her gun directly under his face.

            She smiled. “Let's see if your bloody neck is as armored as your thick skull.”

            She fired, and Matt’s head came clean off, and landed on the ground about three feet away.

            His armored body fell to the floor, limp.

            Lily turned to Mitchell, who was hiding behind the U.A.F. “Your partner’s dead. Give me the…WHAT THE BLODDY HELL!”
            Matt stood up, headless. A single beam of light came shining out of his armor. Then another, and another. Soon, he was glowing like the Aurora Borealis.

            Then he blew up, sending smoke everywhere. Lily coughed once, and wiped some soot out of her eyes.

            Standing in front of her, where a seven-foot tall armored figure was only moments ago, stood a short little kid, barely into his teens. The child promptly began muttering obscenities. “#$&#%(*#&!”

             Lily blinked, ignoring the curses. “You’re a kid. I’m taller than you. Heck, You’re the kinda kid they give lollipops…”

            Matt kicked Lily in the knee. She hopped on one foot, and began cursing like a sailor, or Matt previously. “*(#*(#&$)($ little bastard. I’ll get you!”

            Mitchell coughed into his hand. “Um…I’d ignore Matt, because it’s my turn, now.”

            Lily laughed. “Sure, you’re a bit taller than me, but what can you do against me. Just give me the sword, and I won’t kill you.”

            Mitchell blinked. “You want the sword. I thought you’d want the Universal Archive File.”

            She shrugged. “I’ll take that too. I’m just here to get whatever treasure I can.”

            Mitchell took off his glasses, and put them in his pocket. Then, he spread his feet shoulder length apart, and began taking deep breaths. He closed his eyes, and appeared to be concentrating.

            Lily rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on. What are you doing?”

            Then Mitchell opened his eyes, revealing them to be glowing green. He smiled, revealing he had sprouted long, sharp fangs.

            Lily could hear the sound of bones cracking, as Mitchell began to grow. She saw his shift bulge, as he his muscles swelled. She could also see tufts of fur beginning to sprout on his arms, and his face as well.

            Mitchell held up his hands, and she could see that they now had claws. Also, his hair was slowly growing, and becoming more and more spiked.

            His face changed as well. It became more, feral. Not much of a change, but she probably wouldn’t recognize him if she wasn’t watching this transformation.

            As she watched, his ears began to become more triangular. They poked out of his hair, and twitched as she watched them.  He also sprouted a tail, long and curled.

            He was almost 7 feet tall, and still growing. His jeans and shirt were both tight, and Lily could see the muscles in them. He still had a smile pasted onto his face, which was covered in white fur, with a single stripe over one eye. His hair, and the rest of his fur, was yellow, with black spots. He was some sort of were-cheetah, and he was powerful.

            Suddenly, he was gone. Lily heard a something growl behind her. She could hear her heart race as she turned around, and found herself staring at Mitchell’s eye-stripe, and at his long, sharp, white fangs. Mitchell growled.

            Lily fell down on her butt, then scooted back, and ran to the nearest exit. She turned a corner, and was gone.

            Mitchell straightened up, and turned to Matthew. “Gee. She acts like she’s never seen a 7’4” tall were-cheetah before.”

            Matthew laughed. “Come on, let’s see if that U.A.F. download is done.”

            The download wasn’t. It was only at 50%.

            Mitchell blinked. “Well, darn. Wanna play blackjack?” He pulled out a deck of cards. “Trans-dimensional pockets can hold a lot, ya know.”

            Mitch dealt out a two cards to Matt, and two cards to himself. He had a King, and an ace.

            “Blackjack, I win.”

            Matt groaned. “You cheated.”

            “Did not!”

            “Did to!”

            Then a scream pierced the air. Mitchell turned towards the exit. “Hey. That sounded like Lily. She’s in trouble.”

            Matt groaned. “Don’t tell me you’re gonna play hero and rescue her? She’s psycho!”

            “Nah, she seemed like she had a good heart. I can smell evil, and she doesn’t have it.”

            “You can’t smell evil!”

            “Yes I can, I can smell it right now! It’s really close too…her. Gotta go!”

            Mitchell zoomed off, the wind messing up Matt’s heavily combed blond hair.

            “I’ll bet he did that on purpose. Well, better try to figure out what Armor I can summon now, using my handy-dandy wristwatch teleporter.”

            Meanwhile, Lily was in deep trouble. She was surrounded by at least ten soldiers, and General Akbar. She was panting heavily, and had a bruise on her left cheek. General Akbar’s right hand shot out, and grabbed her by the throat. He lifted Lily, all 100 pounds of her, up in the air, using one hand. Then he pushed her up against the wall. She winced from the pressure on her neck.

            “So, American She-Dog. You dare invade this sacred tomb, the tomb of the great Tyanthraxus!”

            “I’m a British She-Dog. You brainless GIT!”

            General Akbar laughed. “Well, buxom Tomb Raider, you will soon find that nationality doesn’t matter. You will be screaming my name no matter where you came from!”

            Then, Lily dropped to the ground. She looked down, and noticed that Akbar’s hand was still around her neck. It just wasn’t attached to Akbar.

            Lily looked to the side, and saw a figure crouched, back towards Akbar. His long, spiky hair cascaded down his back as he turned around. It was Mitchell. He glared at General Akbar and his minions. “Leave now, if you value your lives.”

            Akbar clutched at his hand. “Minions, attack! He can’t dodge a machine gun.”

            They fired, sending volleys of bullets at Mitchell. Except Mitchell wasn’t there. He was in the air, leaping down at one of the minons, claws extended. There was a flash of light, and one of the men fell to the ground. 1 down.

            Before the other minions could whirl around to face Mitchell, he shot forwards, grabbed a soldier, and threw him into two others. 3 down.

            One of them jumped at Mitchell, and sent a punch towards Mitchell’s skull. Mitchell dodged to the inside of the punch, and raised up his elbow. The soldier fell to the ground, blood streaming down his nose. 4 down. 

            Then a spray of bullets hit into Mitchell. His eyes widened, as he twitched. One of the soldiers had managed to fire at him from the back. Unfortunately, he also hit the soldier behind Mitchell. 5 down, and Mitchell was out, lying in a pool of his own blood.

            Akbar laughed. “Behold. This man-beast dared attack our illustrious forces, and this is his fate! Bleeding in a tomb, filled with other foolish treasure seekers. Now, all I need is my hand back, and this could be a great day.”

            Then his hand bopped him on the side of the skull. Lily was standing up, and glared at him. “Why don’t you take your hand, and shove it up your arse!” Then her eyes widened, looking at something behind Akbar.

            A look of confusion spread across Akbar’s face, and he turned around. A blood-stained Mitchell was standing up, slowly, breathing heavily. Akbar watched as the bullet-holes healed, before his very eyes. The other five soldiers pointed their guns at Mitchell, and trapped him in a circle, with Akbar on one end, and Lily behind him.

            Mitchell smiled, and chuckled to himself. The chuckles stopped, as he winced.  “Nice. Lead bullets. Pity they can't kill me. Only three things can kill me. First is silver bullets, which you don’t have. Second is werecreatures. Since none of you are fuzzy, I’m safe. Third is magic. And…well, I’m the only mage hear. YAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

            Mitchell screamed, and the six Iranian warriors were blown back. Akbar was blown back, hit the wall, got up, and then ran like the devil was after him.

            Mitchell watched him flee. “Well, he obviously doesn’t care for his men. Leaving them alone, not bothering to try to save them, even though I’ll probably eat them alive, or something...Or not..."

            Mitchell turned to Lily, and . “Can you walk?” As she watched, his hair shrunk, and turned into back into the style he had before his transformation. Though it stayed yellow and spotted, and Mitchell was still covered in fur. He sat down, and clutched his hands to his wounds, which were still healing. He also seemed a bit tired

            Lily looked.. “I’m fine. Don’t suppose you’ll try to kill me, now?”

            Mitchell shook his head, “I didn’t kill anybody. I never struck any vitals.”

            “Then...what was with the eating people alive comment?”

            Mitchell let out a barking laugh. “What?" He laughed again. "Oh, yeah...Well, even though I’d never do that, HE doesn’t know that. As far as he knows, he condemned his troops to a grisly, painful demise.”

            “Okay…one last question. Why’d you save me?”

“Because, it’s part of my code. Always be nice to beautiful women. And, to be fair, be nice to not-so beautiful women and guys too. So, it’s pretty much to be nice to everybody.”

Lily’s mouth dropped open. “You’re kidding me.” She shook her head. “You’re a duffer, aren’t you?”

“What’s that mean?”

“Let me rephrase that. You’re a seven feet tall NERD!”

“Yep. That pretty much describes it. Though I am an amateur mage, too…Only know a couple of spells. That one I just used is my best. Takes a lot out of me though..."

“You know. I could use someone like you. Strong, brave, fast…” Lily smiled as she finished mentally, “And stupid.”

Mitchell nodded. “Good idea. I wouldn’t mind a more experienced helper, too. Bro and I are pretty new at being archeologists.”

“Bro and I?”

“Grammatical correctness.” Lily suddenly felt the urge to sweat-drop.

Then Matt ran into the room. On his arm was a huge laser cannon, though he still wasn’t wearing his armor. He said, “I got the finished disc. Any baddies left?”

“Nope, we got them all.”

“F*#(&#$#()%#&)!&*)#&!!!!!!!!! I wanted to kill one of ‘em! F*(&)&A#$)*$#&)!”

Lily blinked. “Wow. I never heard even sailors cuss like that!”

Mitchell shrugged. “Matt’s foul-mouthed. Anyway, let’s go.”

Matt looked at Mitchell. "By the way...Some parts didn’t copy. You didn’t have the right clearance. I was going to leave it in, but it spit the disk out, and said, 'Please Remove Disk...Or else...'” Then Matt noticed Lily standing there, and his eyes widened. “Don’t tell me you made her a partner!”

Mitchell nodded. “Yep. We’ll need her help getting out of here, if Akbar warned anybody…”

Mitchell began to lead the way out, followed by Lily, and lastly Matt. He was muttering, “Stupid nerdy honor code…”

As they walked out, Mitchell turned to Lily. “So, what’s your story?”

Lily shrugged. “Not much. My mom’s Laura Croft. When I was born, she didn’t have any desire to raise a child, nor could she, really. Her parents had disowned her, and her job kept too weird hours. She would have had to give up everything, so she put me up for adoption. I bounced around a bunch of parents, till she died. Do to her lack of a will, I inherited her everything, since I was her closest blood relative. So, I got her estate. Then she came back from being dead, and I started living with her. I’m an expert martial artist, and a crack shot with any firearm. I can hit a fly from a mile away, if you give me a scope. That’s about it.”

Then Mitchell, who was listening intently, dissappeared. Lily blinked, and looked down. Mitchell had fallen down a pit trap. In fact, the same pit trap he fell down earlier.

She looked down, and she could just glimpse him clinging to the wall. Then, he started climbing up.

About five minutes later, Mitchell got up, and saw that Lily was sitting down, reading “Archeology Weekly,” while Matt was reading, “Playelf.”

Matt looked towards Mitchell. “Oh, hi bro. What took you so long?”

Mitchell got up. “Well, maybe because NOBODY HELPED!”

Lily shrugged, “I didn’t have any rope.” She then changed the subject, considering Mitchell’s eyes were red, not their normal green. “By the way, I was wondering. How come you’re a were-cheetah, anyway. Only one I ever heard about was Brittney Diggers, and I didn’t think she could transform anybody.”

Mitchell nodded. “She can’t. Normally. I was a special case.” He began walking forward, as he explained his story. "I met Brittney Diggers on a visit to Atlanta. I was there to talk to Gina, to thank her for saving my life..."

"How'd she save your life?"

"You know the cure for cancer she invented?"

"Yeah. It was all in the news. If you get it early enough, it can cure almost all types, without chemotherapy. Why?...OH!"

Mitchell smiled weakly. "Yeah. I was seven at the time…” Lily winced, while Mitchell continued. “I thought I was going to die, then she published her new cure, using genetic therapy to replace diseased genes. I was cured, and visited to thank her. She was real nice, but a bit distracted. Apparently, she just published it because she was low on money...She'd originally been working on a way to keep from losing her figure." Mitchell laughed weakly. "It's funny that way. Stuff you don't even care about, affects so many others...Anyway, on the visit, I met Brittany. What I didn’t know, was that my soul was a were-cheetah soul, just trapped in a human body. Don’t fully understand it myself, but somehow, meeting Brittany allowed me to transform myself into a were-cheetah. Still curious how, though.”

Lily asked. “ Is that what gives you your magic and fighting abilities?”

Mitchell shook his head. “Not really. It just gives me some super-attributes, including super-speed. What gives me my magic and fighting abilities is training. I’ve been studying with Julia and Theodore Diggers, among others, to gain the fighting and magic. Well, not seriously, just a little on the side. Still, I’ve been doing it for ten years, so it adds up. Plus, I catch on to stuff fast. I learn in a day what takes some people a year, so I don't have to work as hard, or spend as much time. And, last, but DEFINITELY not least, I can survive being hit with a lot of different techniques, because of my regeneration. Which is very…”

Then a spear shot from the floor, and stabbed through Mitchell’s foot. He stopped talking, and his eyes widened. Then the other spears shot out, and he ended up looking like Swiss Cheese. When the spears stopped, Lily and Matt pulled him to the other side.

Mitchell opened his mouth. He croaked out, “Useful. I’ll be okay. Just give me a few minutes.”

Lily sighed. “Well, while he heals up, don’t suppose you could tell me your story, kid?”

Matt glared up at her. “My name’s Matthew, and don’t call me kid. I’m a master at building weaponry, and Mitchell’s equal in intelligence. My inventions are much better than his, since all he builds are silly little gadgets like a rocket-powered bicycle, and his funny little bridge thingy. Plus, I’m immune to magic, and explosions, so the only way he could harm me is by getting close, and my armor would stop that.”

Lily blinked. “Immune to explosions! How’d that happen.”

Matt shrugged. “Born that way. Mitchell’s curious why. He doesn’t talk about it all the time, but he’s also curious why he was born with a were-cheetah soul. That’s why we got into adventuring, to find out the secrets of our powers. Plus, his abilities are beyond what he’d expect, so he’s curious. Well, that’s why he’s in it. I’m in it for the money, the chance to blow stuff up, and the chance to ogle cute girls. By the way, do you know your boobs are huge?”

Lily yelled out, “Karate…KICK!!!!!” She hit Matt with a powerful low kick to the gonads. Matt fell to the ground, whimpering in pain.

A fully-healed Mitchell leaned over Lily’s shoulder. “That would hurt.”

Lily stumbled forward, and turned around. “Hey, don’t do that! You scared me!”

Mitchell smiled. “I know. Let’s go. I clearly remember there aren’t any traps left, so we’ll be safe.”

Sure enough, the heroes (well, Matt’s more of an anti-hero, but that’s a whole ‘nother story) soon reached the end. And when they stepped out into the desert, they found themselves facing over one hundred Iranian soldiers, led by the one-armed General Akbar.

Lily looked over the troops. “Oh, bugger.”

Matt nodded, “Amen, brother.”

Mitchell looked at them both. “Cheer up. It’s just 101 to three. I can take most of the hits, considering they don’t have…”

Akbar pulled out an ammo case form his pocket. Mitchell could clearly see the silver ammunition gleaming in the case.

The other troops pointed their guns directly at Mitchell. He gulped, “Okay, mental note. Never tell a bad guy your weakness.”

Matt glared at Mitchell. “And never piss him off either. What’d you do to this guy?”

Mitchell laughed nervously. “You know how he’s missing an arm?”

“Don’t tell me you…”

“Yep. I’m the one who cut it off.”

Matt rolled his eyes. “Great, I wanted to kill ONE guy, not 33...what’ll we do now?”

Lily pulled out her two guns. “We go down fighting. See you both on the other side.”

She aimed at some guards, and fired, downing a few guards. The rest turned towards her, and began firing. Mitchell, grabbed Lily's waist, and pulled her out of the line of fire. He grabbed Matt with the other hand, and leaped over the guard's heads. Then, their shots hit the ground where Lily was standing.

He landed over the troops heads, near a crate. He threw Lily and Matt behind it, then followed, just as the troops managed to turn to shoot at them. A single bullet grazed Mitchell’s shoulder, and he screamed in pain.

He kneeled down, and supresesd a scraem. He clutched his shoulder, which has a thin, but nasty-looking, charred mark on it.

Lily pulled Mitchell a bit  a bit, and looked at his face, which was contorted in pain. She nervously asked, “Are you okay.”

Mitchell's eyes were tearing up. “I’m fine. It’s just soul burn...It's just indescribable agony. I'll get over it.” He winced. “I’ll be okay in a while.”

Matt asked, “Why aren’t they firing? This is just a crate.”

Mitchell pointed at a small label on the crate. “Genuine Iraqi Nukes.”

Lily blinked. “So that’s where they went!!!!!!”

Matt smiled. “We’re hiding behind a nuke. If I could keep this…”

Mitchell stood up. “Wait. Say that again?”

“If I could keep this…”

“Exactly.”

Lily wrinkled her forehead. “What are you getting at, Mitchell?”

Mitchell explained. “They won’t fire if we’re holding the nuke. So we take the nuke out. Open the crate.”

Lily opened her mouth to ask a question, but saw Mitchell’s intent look, and the question died unspoken. She and Matt got on opening the crate.

Mitchell, meanwhile, was rubbing his shoulder. The silver hadn't cut deep, so he still had full range of motion. And the pain was fading fast.

Just as the crate began to open, they heard the familiar voice of General Akbar. “American pig-dogs, prepare for destruction. While you dare hide behind our highly-expensive, Genuine Iraqi Nukes, given to us by that horrific-but-generous, psychotic megalomaniac, may Allah bless his name, Sadaam Hussein, we shall soon prepare for your destruction. Surrender. We are calling in reinforcements. You shall fall before the combined might of the in-no-way-affiliated-with-the-Iranian-Government forces of General Akbar…”

The crate popped open, and Lily found herself staring at a genuine Iraqi nuclear bomb. She turned to Mitchell. “I just saw a problem. How are we going to carry this thing out. It’s gotta weigh at LEAST a ton…”

Mitchell hoisted the bomb up, and rested it on his uninjured shoulder. He then stepped out from behind the crate.

“Hey, Akbar. We’re keeping this nuke, okay?”

Lily blinked. “Is he serious?”

Matt nodded. “He’s a bit impulsive.”

Mitchell began walking away, and turned to Matt and Lily. “You coming?”

The heroes began walking away, humming a tune. Then a single bullet landed next to Mitchell.

Mitchell turned to Akbar. “What? Which one of your assistants dared to shoot at the ILLUSTRIOUS POWER OF THE WERE-CHEETAH!!!!!!!!! Now, I am angered! So, I’ll JUGGGLE!!!!!!!”

Mitchell threw the nuke up in the air, and then caught it. Lily’s eyes widened. “IS HE INSANE!!!!!”

Matt shrugged. “Yep. He’s completely insane. That’s why I work with him. By the way….”

Matt pulled out his gun, and pointed it at Akbar. Mitchell then walked in front of Matt. “Matthew, didn’t Mom tell you not to kill anybody?”

“But I like killing evil madmen!”

“It’s not our right to choose when a person dies.”

Lily blinked. “Um…can we stop with the philosophy, and get away from the giant army which is only not firing at us because you are holding a NUKE!!!!!!!”

Mitchell shrugged, and yelled out, “CAR!!!!!!!!”

A old Chrysler Labaron, which looked like an old lady had been driving it, rode up over the dunes, and parked right next to Mitchell. The car had shiny red paint, and a recently installed sunroof. Mitchell turned to Lily, “Hop in. I got the car from my Grandmother, and supped it up a bit.”

Lily hopped into the back, and, and Matt got into the passenger’s seat. Mitchell perched onto the roof. “See ya, dummies.”

Then the nuke slipped out of Mitchell’s hands, and dropped into the sand. Everybody gulped, and waited for the boom.

It didn't happen. Mitchell into the driver’s seat, and put the car into manual. Lily looked at the large amount of guns pointed her way, and her eyes bugged out, “PUNCH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Mitchell punched it. The car screeched off, at about 150 miles per hour, as the bullets began to bing off the chassis.

Matt looked back, and yelled, “They’ve got a tank!" When that didn't meet with shock, Matt amended. "A really, really fast tank! We’re in trouble.”

Mitchell yelled back, “Get the thing off our tail. I need 10 seconds to charge the hyper-transporter.”

Lily leaned out the window, and fired off a shot at the tank. Her bullet bounced back, and nearly sheared off her pony-tail.

Then a shot hit the sand in front of them. Mitchell veered to the right, hard, as sand splashed all over Matt, thanks to his open window. He tried to think of who to glare at.

When he couldn't decide, he simply leaned out the open window, and pointed his gun at the tank. He shot out a huge blast, engulfing the tank.

Matt smiled. Then machine gun fire shot the gun out of his hand. The tank rolled through the smoke, unscathed.

The tank aimed its gun directly at the car. It fired.

Lily’s eyes widened, as the shell headed directly towards her. She closed her eyes. Even with her eyes closed, she could see the flash of light, and hear the explosion.

Then she heard a voice say, “We made it.”

She opened her eyes. They were parked in an oasis. Lily could see a camel drinking from the water nearby.

Mitchell got out, and stretched. “Ah. My oasis. I love this place.”

Lily followed his lead, feeling slightly confused. “Your…oasis.”

Mitchell shrugged. “I drove by here on the way to the tomb. Saw it was a nice place, so I set my teleporter’s quick-return to here. It’s a good 3,00 miles away from the tomb. I wrote down the latitude and longitude.” He handed a sheet of paper, which has a few numbers in messily-written handwriting. There were some undecipherable letters on it, in an unknown foreign language.

Lily asked, “What language are these letters in? I’ve never seen this language before.”

Mitchell blinked. “They’re in English why? The top one’s the latitude, and the bottom’s longitude. I wrote them myself.”

Lily looked at them again. Sure enough, it had “latitude” and “longitude.” That is, if they were written by a three-year-old with good spelling.

Lily smiled. “Er…thanks. I can call a helicopter from a friend of mine. Don’t suppose you’d mind coming with me?”

Mitchell shook his head. “No thanks. I'll get home directly. My car’s real fast. I’ll be heading home, to Southtown Alabama. See ya.”

Mitchell hopped into his car, which promptly disappeared.

Lily looked in the direction he was going. She muttered to herself. “Southtown, Alabama…”

The next day…

Mitchell, in human form, walked into St. Milford’s Non-Denominational school, his Alma Mater. He smiled. “Ah. Time for another day of learning, and enrichment.”

He frowned. “Starting off with Honors Pre-cal. Which I despise.”

He sat down in his seat, as the bell rang. He heard the teacher say something about a important announcement. He thought to himself. “I wonder if I’ll ever see her again. She seemed like an interesting girl.”

Then he heard the teacher announce, “Class, we have a new student today. Lilith…”

There was a pause, and Mitchell began to look up, as the teacher corrected, “LILY Croft…”

Mitchell coughed, and beat his chest, he looked up, and saw the familiar face of Lily Croft smiling in front of the class.

She smiled, “Hi, everybody.”

The End