All Gold Digger characters are copyright Fred Perry, any resemblance to any real people is purely coincidental, any other copyrighted characters are copyrighted to their owners, Lily, Mitchell, Matt, Etc

All Gold Digger characters are copyright Fred Perry, any resemblance to any real people is purely coincidental, any other copyrighted characters are copyrighted to their owners, Lily, Mitchell, Matt, Etc., are copyright me. Warehouse 23 is copyright Steve Jackson games. Anyone who plagiarizes this, besides having bad taste, will be sent to Michael Jackson, gift-wrapped. Unless they are over 18, in which case I'll have to figure out something to do...Maybe use them to test out some of my martial arts sequences, or bullet dodging.

Gold Digger M Chapter Three

The Ark of the Covenant

Lily smiled to herself, as she translated the words. “This is…direction to the ARK OF THE COVENANT!”

Mitchell coughed. “When I find ‘em…”

Lily glared. “You used some super-program to find it, though.”

Mitchell shrugged. “Well, it looked interesting, and it worked. I still have to sort through the gunk, though.”

Lily shook her head. “I can't really date this accurately, but it's definitely BC. It might still be there, since the Ark was never discovered. Ace."

Mitchell leaned back, and an empty smile formed on his lips. He imagined himself at the Archeologist’s ball, standing in front of everybody. They were cheering him...

Meanwhile, Lily had the exact same expression on her face. She imagined herself, in a pool of money, swimming in it. The fact that she was naked, however, jarred her out of her fantasy. She muttered, "Okay, that was weird."

Mitchell also snapped out of his fantasy, when the bikini models stepped out, and asked an important question. "Where is the Ark of the Covenant?"

Lily sighed. "Persia."

"IRAN!"

"Yep. Blimey, we just got back from there, too. Hard Lines, huh?"

Mitchell gave Lily a look. "I know you're British, but could you PLEASE stop using all that slang?"

"I only got here yesterday!" Lily shook her head. "Any roads, could we stop talking about my use of slang, and talk about getting back to Iran! We'll miss school!"

Mitchell simply waved off Lily's concerns. "Nah, I do this all the time. We can be to Iran and back by bedtime, if we hurry. My car’s got a warp drive."

As they were talking, a car pulled up into the driveway. Mitchell leaned out the window, and smiled. "Mom's home. I think she brought Matt, too."

"Why doesn't Matt go home with you?"

"Last time he drove in a car with me, he made me crash. I got a new record for biggest car pile-up in the country. Maybe the world, I’m not too sure though."

Lily coughed, "How!?"

"He covered my eyes, when I was on the interstate. And last time I brought him in my bike, he undid the wheels. And then there was the time…" Mitchell shook his head, smiling. "He's a bit of a prankster."

Lily muttered, "Or a psycho."

Mitchell stood up, and began to walk towards the door. He turned back to Lily, "You might as well come, too. You can meet my mom; she's real nice, but a bit annoying sometimes..."

Lily followed him, and wondered. If one kid's a were-cheetah, admitedly not by birth, and the other's a little brat with battle armor...what's his mom going to be like? She got a mental image of a member of that Terrific Trio in the Wonder Squad, or whatever.

Downstairs, Matt opened the door, and was followed by a perfectly average mother, in her Mid 40's. She had brown hair, and brown eyes, and was wearing black pants and a red shirt. She was completely unremarkable in every way, except for something a bit ‘off’ about her skin tone, and eyes. Lily couldn’t quite place it, and made a mental note to ask Mitchell about it. The only other thing of interest was the fact that she was also arguing with her son.

Matt pleaded, "But Mom...why can't I get a Hummer."

Mom began ticking off reasons on her fingers. "Because they guzzle gasoline like no tomorrow, because we can't afford them, because you have stated that you want it because it can smash through stuff and not get trashed, and because you can't even drive!"

"But...I got the chassis for a Robo-driver all built. Mitchell's helping with the A.I."

The argument was interrupted by Lily's arrival, alongside Mitchell. Mitchell smiled. "Hi mom. Matt trying to con you into buying a Hummer, again?”

"Yes. And I was just about to talk to you.” She glared at Mitchell, with a look that could kill. “I just received your mid-quarter grades, and..."

Mitchell interrupted, "Have I introduced you to my friend, Lily?"

Mom continued glaring for a second, then gave up. She smiled politely. "Glad to meet you, Lily. I'm Mitchell's mom. You're Mitchell's girlfriend, I take it?"

Lily's mouth began working rather quickly, as she struggled to form the words. "I am not Mitchell's girlfriend. I just met him on an adventure, and we're working together for mutual benefit."

Mom continued talking, with a dreamy look in her eyes, "Finally, maybe I can finally be blessed with some grandchildren. Well, after a suitable period of dating, and after they get married, and, of course, 9, maybe 10, because they probably won't get it in one try, months pass..."

Lily slumped. "I don't think she's listening to me."

Mom shook herself out of the daze, and turned to Mitchell. "So, what were you and your girlfriend talking about?"

MItchell gulped. "Well, I just found out about the Ark of the Covenant...So I was going to go to Iran."

Mom's face hardened. "Mitchell. You miss too much school."

"But..." A look of pure terror crossed Mitchell's face.

"No buts. We're going to talk, now."

She grabbed Mitchell by the hand, and walked into another room. The door closed behind her. There was silence. Lily waited for a few minutes, then shrugged. She walked over to the door, and put her ear to it. She heard nothing for a second, but could soon make out faint conversation. Mitchell's mom was talking, calmly. Just a normal, parental lecture. No malice, no hate, she was just telling Mitchell that he needed to work harder. Nothing struck her as unusual, until she heard Mitchell's response. She couldn't make out the words, but it was distorted with emotion. It was like he was being tortured. But she couldn't understand why.

"EHEM!"

She hopped up, and spun around. She looked to the left and right, but didn't see anyone. She tilted her head down slightly, and saw that Matt was staring right at her. "Oh...Hi."

Matt smiled. "Spying on Mitchell and Mom's fight, huh?"

"That didn't sound like a fight."

"Well, Mom would say it wasn't, but Mitchell and I would disagree. He hates lectures."

"Why?"

Matt shrugged. "He's hyperactive, and stubborn, and he hates being talked down too. But Mom likes to talk, and wants Mitchell to be a better person. So they ‘argue’. Hold on, here's the fun part."

Lily put her ear back to the door, and heard Mom say, "Stop Twitching," then she heard a bunch of muffled sorries. She couldn't make out the rest, but the door swung open with such force she was knocked against the wall. Mom stormed out, and the door slowly moved off Lily. She pulled herself off the wall, and felt her nose. There was a bit of blood, but no other damage. She walked into the room.

Mitchell was standing there, in the middle of the room, his eyes closed, slightly hyperventilating. His right arm was twitching as if hyperactive, and the muscles were expanding and contracting rapidly. She could have sworn she saw a bit of fur on it, but it disappeared quickly. Mitchell opened his eyes, and smiled brightly. "Oh, hi Lily. Mom said we could go look for the Ark of the Covenant..." Mitchell's voice caught. "IF I worked a bit harder on my school work."

Lily nodded. She replied, in a quiet voice. "Okay..."

Mitchell snapped his fingers. "There're a couple of things I wanted to work on first...Could I borrow your guns for a second?"

"Sure, But why?"

"I got an idea on how to power them up. Plus, I need to finish up the Sword of Omens..."

Lily bit her lip, then handed the guns over to Mitchell. "Just be careful...They were a gift from my mom, and they have a special ammo feed..."

Mitchell was already gone. Lily swore to herself. "Damn, that was fast..."

She looked over at Matt, who was standing near the fridge, and pulled out a G. I. Joe. He put in the microwave, and began pressing buttons.

Lily's eyes bugged out. "What are you doing!"

"I'm microwaving a G. I. Joe. Mom won't be leaving her room for a while, 'cause she'll be complaining to herself about how Mitchell has zero self-control. Probably gonna call his shrink, and see if he can see him more. I don't think Mitchell will mind, either..."

"Okay..."

"After this guy's cooked, I think I'll work on a new armor. Custom Robo's giving me some great ideas..."

"Great, a little kid with a big power armor. Nice recipe for disaster..."

Matt stomped over to Lily. "Stop calling me little. I'm 13, and I'm only three years younger than you and Mitchell!"

"Yeah, but that's 'little' in my book."

Matt leaned back, "So, you and Mitchell gonna get it on while you're looking for the Ark?"

"WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM NOT! YOU BLOODY SON OF A..."

"The more you protest, the more I believe you're lying."

"I OUGHTA...." She thwopped him upside the head, with a loud bonk.

Matt rubbed the wound. "Ow....That hurt, ya know!"

"I think that was the general idea..."

"Oh...yeah..." Matt spread his feet out, twisted his waist a bit to the right, brought his left wrist to his mouth, and yelled, "I SUMMON...DEATH-STRIKER!"

Lily averted her eyes from the flash, and when it cleared, Matt was hovering in a black, and grey armor, with large, dark wings made of solid metal, and a large scythe. It had jets on the feet, and back, and red trimming. The head resembled Death itself, with a large metallic hood, and a demon face-mask. It was taller than the real Matt, about six-feet tall.

Lily reached for her gun, and remembered it was absent. She cursed to herself again, then turned to Matt, "Well...why don't we take this outside." Matt nodded, and the two walked out the door. They each stood 10 feet apart, and faced each other, on the front lawn. Lily muttered to herself. "Stupid, barmy, nancy boy. Using armor when I don't even have my guns..."

Matt just stood still. A demonic voice echoed from the armor's head. "Are you ready to die?"

Lily assumed a standard fighting stance, fists held in a knifelike position, and motioned for Matt to go first.

Matt twirled his scythe, and Lily's eyes reflexively followed them. Matt then quickly jetted forward, and Lily flipped backwards. Matt sliced at her stomach, but Lily's flip moved her just out of range. And Matt was still moving forwards, as Lily bent her elbows, then sprung into a handstand. Her feet smashed straight into Matt's chin, sending him flying upwards. Lily froze in her handstand, then flipped back into her fighting stance.

Matt didn't land. Lily looked up, and saw him flying in mid-air. He rubbed his jaw. "Stupid kinetic dispersal...That was a nice hit...pity you can't hit me in the air."

Lily didn't lose her smile. "Yeah, but you can't hit me from there, either."

Matt chuckled darkly. He jetted to the right, past the edge of Lily's vision. She turned her head, as she heard his jets fire again. He was almost in front of her already.

She leaped to her left, just as he brought his scythe down. Lily hit the ground hard, and rolled up. As she got up, she found herself screaming from a sudden pain. Lily looked down, and saw that her right side was bleeding. She cursed.

Matt pulled his scythe up, and prepared to bring it down on her head. As he pulled it up, he heard his foe utter, "Wide Open." Then Lily sent her right fist smashing into Matt's stomach.

Nothing happened. Lily simply froze there. Her fist in front of Matt's stomach, and her knuckles suddenly aching.

Matt chuckled again. "My armor's too powerful for a simple PUNCH to penetrate...Dodge this." He brought his scythe down.

And Lily brought her hands up. She winced again, her side still hurting, but she still managed to grab Matt's hands. "I don't NEED to dodge it." She pulled herself up, and placed her feet on Matt's stomach. "I CAN JUST TAKE THE BLOODY THING!"

Lily kicked, hard, and the scythe popped out of Matt's grip. And she landed on her feet. She swung the scythe at the frozen Matt, and heard it whistle through the air. She froze, the scythe in her hands, and a large beam of light coming out of Matt's armor.

Which promptly exploded. Lily was knocked on her back, as the scythe disappeared. When the smoke cleared, Matt was standing there, flat on his butt, glaring. "I hate you."

Lily smiled. "The feeling is mutual..."

Mitchell poked his head out of the house, holding the Sword of Omens and Lily's guns. "So...what'd I miss?"

Later, Lily and Mitchell were in Mitchell's ACTUAL car, as the were-cheetah sat in the driver's seat. "Okay...before I activate the warp drive...let me explain what I've done to your pistols. I added alternate modes."

"WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I gave it the ability to use special bullets. You have stun, fire, ice, lightning, oil, piercing, net..."

"You gave me an inspector gadget pistol!"

"NO! These actually work. All you have to do is say the type, and it switches. As long as you actually want it. I used a bit of magic to make sure it works...it should be perfectly safe."

Lily looked unsure. "And they won't blow up on me."

"Unless you say, 'Suicide'...no."

Lily leaned back. "Okay. Still the same ammo, and such..."

Mitchell shook his head. "For the special functions, you need a new clip." He handed her a bunch of them.

Lily took them, and began loading them into her belt feed. "You designed this just so I'm in your debt, didn't you?"

"Huh?"

"Well, know I need to hang around you, to keep this special ammo."

"You do?"

"For a genius, you're pretty dumb. Let's just get to Iran."

Mitchell just smiled, and laughed. He put the car into reverse, and backed out of the driveway. As soon as he got on the open road, he pressed the gas, and shifted the car from “D”, to “W.”

“Now, WARP DRIVE!” Mitchell hit the gas.

And nothing happened. Mitchell blinked, and laughed nervously. “Um…Hold on.” He checked a few dials, then gulped. “Um, I’m sorta out of uranium, and the warp drive doesn’t work without it.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “I have a private jet, we’ll take it. We can be in Iraq by 5:00. I just don’t usually use it on school days. Mom gave it to me for my birthday…”

Mitchell was already gone. Lily rolled her eyes, and followed.

A half hour later, they were in Lily’s private jet, flying over the Atlantic. Mitchell was sipping on some root beer, while Lily was in a back room, changing.

“So, Lily, why change now?”

“Because we have an hour or two, and I don’t want to wear a school uniform to Iran.”

“Ah…Maybe I should change…”

“Nah. Yours is fine. You don’t have to wear a stupid SKIRT! Plus, I got blood over mine…”

“From what?”

“Matt cut me, when we had a fight.”

“Ouch. Where?”

“Took a good slice at my side. It’s pretty much healed up, though. It wasn’t that deep.”

Mitchell was silent for a second. “You’re a normal human, right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“It’s been what, a half hour, and you’re ALREADY healed!”

“Well, I have been feeling a bit weird lately. It started a couple of years ago. I felt a good bit faster, stronger, and I’ve been healing fast. Plus, this crazy guy told me something about Vampires. Wonder if I should have listened before I hit him with a mace?”

“You mean Mace, as in, that stuff you spray in people’s eyes, right?

“No, I mean a MACE, as in, the medieval weapon. The quilt rang the doorbell, and walked right in when I was practicing with it. Mom has a lot of weapons, so…”

Mitchell winced.

Lily quickly changed the subject, “We go to back to Iran, figure out where the ark was hidden, and get it. Should be simple, since nobody else is looking for it. Right?”

Mitchell nodded. When he heard no response, he thought for a second. Then it dawned on him that Lily was behind a curtain. “Right.”

There was another awkward silence. Lily broke it. “Wanna take bets?”

“On what?”

“Evil cult, Nazis, or another group of adventurers?”

“Oh, come on. Not EVERY adventure has some crazy conflict.” Mitchell was quiet for a moment. “I’m betting on Hidden Guardian.”

“How much?”

“Not for money. I’m sorta broke.”

“What?”

“Well, I spent most of my money on fixing up my car. And getting the uranium to take me to that Tomb. Plus, I have a really, really low allowance. Thankfully, I get SOME money on typing, and…stuff.”

“Stuff…”

“Well, the guy said not to talk about it…”

“What, do you work for the mafia or something?”

“They really needed a typist! And a messenger they can actually shoot…”

Lily stepped out, shaking her head. “You’re a duffer, you know that. Now, does this make me look fat…”

Mitchell turned back, and looked at Lily. She was in what looked like a simple, once piece bathing suit. It looked a bit thick… “A bullet-proof bathing suit?”

Lily nodded. “Yeah. My mom designed it. It’s supposed to go under my clothes, but I don’t know. You think it’d make me look fat?”

Mitchell shrugged. “I can’t tell.”

Lily shrugged, and went back behind the curtain. After a bit of rustling, she came back out, in a standard Lara Croft Outfit. “Now do I look fat?”

“No, but your boobs look bigger.”

Lily glared. “Okay, do I have to throw you off the plane!”

“But, you asked!”

Lily clomped over to Mitchell, and plopped down next to him. “You didn’t have to make such a rude comment.”

“But, it’s true! The Kevlar armor makes your, you know, look a little bigger.”

“You don’t have to be so blatant about it.”

“But, you asked!”

Lily sighed. “Okay, but be a little nicer next time.” He’s so sincere…

“I will.”

All was silent for a few minutes. Lily, once again, broke the silence. “I heard you arguing with your mom.”

Mitchell gulped. “She…” He paused for a second. “wouldn’t want to call it arguing.”

“What would she call it then?”

Mitchell wrinkled his forehead. “Well, I normally call it discussion, with a healthy dose of sarcasm…”

“I saw how you were. What’s the deal?”

Mitchell took a deep breath. “I don’t know. She wants me to be something I’m not. I try to concentrate on my school work, but there’s so much other stuff. I mean, I barely miss school. My grades aren’t any worse than they always were.”

“How bad ARE your grades? You’re a genius, right?”

“I know. I mainly get low Bs, and high As. But, I should be in college by now…”

“So…why aren’t you?”

“ADHD. I misplace priorities, forget homework, and I don’t study right. I take great notes, but I still don’t QUITE get everything right…I miss the little things. So, I try, and I study. I guess the way I study is wrong. Never did outline, or highlight. I resolve to do it, but I don’t. I try to improve, but I FUCK things up. And then Mom gets mad at me, and she lectures me, and she goes on for what seems like HOURS, and she says the SAME thing, and I already KNOW what I have to do, I’m just too FUCKING STUPID too listen! And she treats me like a child, and I am, but I need to improve myself…ARGH!” Before Lily, who had scooted away, could stop him, Mitchell was in were-cheetah form, and his fist was through the window. And half his arm was outside the plane.

Mitchell’s face contorted into a look of pure pain. “Ow…”

“We’re still in mid-air.”

“I know.”

“We should be decompressing.”

“My muscles are blocking it.”

“How painful is that?”

“Well, the pressure feels like it’s about to…” The half of Mitchell’s arm that was outside snapped off.

Lily’s lips pinched, and she giggled nervously. “Snap your arm off?”

Mitchell nodded. “It’s still painful.”

“Could you maybe pull it out of the window?”

Mitchell shook his head. “Then the plane would decompress.”

“So, are you going to need a new arm?”

“No, I can regenerate. I’ll be fine as soon as we land.”

“But, you’re stuck UNTIL we land, right?”

“Yep.” Mitchell paused for a second. “I think I’ll start on my homework.”

“Why?”

“To keep my mind off the INCREDIBLE, INDESCRIBABLE PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Lily scooted a bit more away from Mitchell. “I think I’ll do homework too…” Mental Note. Not as well-adjusted as I thought.

The rest of the trip passed in silence.

Eventually, the two arrived in Iran, and were walking through the streets, looking for a place to get information. Mitchell was in his human form, working his newly regenerated arm around.

Lily looked around. “Okay. I assume on an information gathering trip before?”

Mitchell shook his head. “Nope. The tombs were my first adventure. I noticed that nobody had investigated the U.A.F, so I did.”

Lily sighed. “Okay. We’ll go to the bar, and see if anybody knows about the document I saw. It had a few names, and places written on it. Hopefully, they didn’t change over the millennia.”

“We’re not old enough to drink…”

Lily handed Mitchell an ID, which looked exactly like his driver’s license, except it had his age as 21.

“Lily. Where’d you get this?”

“I made it, on the trip over. I figured you’d need it.”

“How’d you make it!”

“Oh. Mom gave me the equipment, it’s on the plane. Fake Ids can be useful.”

“Ever used it to get into a movie?”

“No, I just have Jenkins get me one, and I watch it on my home theater”

“You’re spoiled, you know that.”

“Only for the past year or so. I’ve been in multiple families, remember?”

“Oh, yeah. Where’d you get my driver’s license.”

“Your pocket. Here.” She handed Mitchell his wallet, complete with ID, and all the money he’d left in it.

Mitchell’s mouth opened halfway. He raised a finger up, then put it down. “Um…you could have asked?”

“You were too busy worrying about how to do your homework with your hand in the window.” Lily laughed. “Besides, no harm done.”

Mitchell had a bit of a worried look on his face, as they walked into the bar. However, that was stopped, when he got inside.

Mitchell had to duck, to avoid being hit by a man who went flying out. He gulped, as Lily walked up to the bar. He followed her, obviously nervous.

Lily flashed her ID, and muttered something in Arabic. The bartender nodded, and got her a drink. Mitchell sat down, and said, in English, “I’ll have what she’s having.”

Lily raised an eyebrow. “Let me guess…you don’t speak Arabic.”

“No…I can speak English, Spanish, Ribbon, and Troll.”

“Ribbon?”

“Mage language. Don’t ask.”

Lily accepted her drink, which was currently on fire. Mitchell received the same drink, and promptly gulped it down.

Lily winced. “You’re supposed to blow it out.”

Mitchell’s eyes were large as saucers. “You’re telling me…Milk please.”

The bartender rolled his eyes, and handed Mitchell some milk, which he promptly downed. Mitchell then pulled a face. “Yuck…what kind of cow did you get THIS from?”

The bartender glared. “A goat.”

Mitchell’s eyes widened again. “I’ll have that flame drink again…”

While Mitchell continued to try to order a successful drink, Lily looked around, for somebody who hopefully knew something. She saw a white haired guy in what she thought was a Fedora, or something like that. He looked promising.

Then she heard a man cough next to her. She turned, and saw that a man in Iranian military fatigues had sat down next to her. She looked at him, <Yes?>

The man smiled. <Well, I just wanted to tell you that you look rather beautiful…>

<He has the face of a mere child. And he’s going to die soon, I expect…”

Lily looked back, and saw that Mitchell’s checks had turned red, and he was stacking the glasses of his drinks, in an impressive pyramid. The fact that he was drinking that much was completely ruined by his giggling.

Lily shook her head, and turned to the soldier. <What makes you say you’re better.>

<Why don’t you come to my apartment, and see?> He smiled, and winked at her.

<I’d rather not…> Lily’s voice was filled with venom.

<I think you should.> The man smiled, and leered at her.

<Are you threatening me?> Lily put a hand to her chest.

The man simply smiled larger. However, his eyes suddenly bugged out, as he felt cold metal on a place that no man should feel cold metal.

Lily narrowed her eyes. <I’d apologize, and leave, if I were you. Unless you want to say good-bye to your meat and two bits? >

The man gritted his teeth. <You wouldn’t dare…>

The blast from Lily’s gun was deafening, matched only by the man’s shrill, high-pitched scream. The man clutched himself, frantically trying to stop the bleeding. Lily, however, simply stood up, grabbed Mitchell’s arm, and tossed the bartender a few bills. “Keep the change.” She walked out, as Mitchell tried to grasp for the remaining drinks.

As soon as they got outside, Mitchell asked, “Why’d we have to leave?”

“A guy threatened me, and I blew his balls off.”

“That’s not nice…”

“I warned him.”

Mitchell giggled. “Okay…that’s okay then.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “You’re drunk.”

“I’m not drunk. I’m a were-thingy. We’re immube to poisons, and disease, and…”

“Obviously not alcohol.”

Mitchell twirled around, an idiot’s grin on his face. “I gotta get drunk more often…”

A voice from behind them countered, “I wouldn’t. You might feel REALLY good for a while, but the hangover’ll kill you.”

Lily looked over her shoulder, while Mitchell simply stopped twirling. Standing behind them was the familiar man with the Fedora. The man was clearly past his prime, but in good health still. He smiled at her. “So…You two have that certain air about you…you archeologists?”

Lily glared. “In a fashion…What makes you ask?”

“Looking for the Ark of the Covenant, or what?”

Mitchell staggered back. “How’d ya know!”

The man laughed. “You just told me.”

Lily bopped Mitchell upside the head. “Duffer.”

“I’m drunk, what’dja except?”

“You’re like this when you’re sober!”

“Am not.”

“Are too!”

The man laughed. “Okay. You two are either siblings, or lovers.”

Mitchell began to laugh, almost exactly like Beevis and Butthead. “We’re not SIBLINGS…”

Lily just glared. “Oh…you wish…”

The man coughed. “Anyway…I knew because there was recently an excavation in Iran, which uncovered two documents. One document was a list to an apparent hiding place of the Ark of the Covenant. This was excavated, and found to be empty.” Mitchell and Lily visibly slumped, until he continued. “However, the second discovery was more interesting. Apparently, someone also had a copy of the Torah, which may have been written by Moses.”

Mitchell coughed into his fist. “That sobered me up. What was the evidence.”

“Well, for one, the parts about Moses’ death were written in a separate hand, and marked as annotations by Joshua…and second, Moses identified himself in the margin.”

Lily wrinkled her brow. “Hm…could they be forgeries?”

“I don’t know. It’s possible. The Iranian military wanted it, presumably to look for a version free of ‘distortions’. But the document was quickly stolen. The thieves may have been affiliated with a new radical Israeli cult.”

Mitchell coughed into his fist again. “Radical Jewish cult…I’m surprised.”

The man shrugged. “Hey, I report them, I don’t make ‘em. Apparently, they believe the Palestinians are evil incarnate, and the world is corrupt. Want to bring back literal sacrifice, and claim to be preparing to summon God to cleanse the world.”

Lily blinked. “So…standard psychopathic cult crazies?”

Mitchell raised his eyebrows, and the man laughed. The unidentified individual asked, “Let me guess…You’re Lily Croft?”

“How’d you know?”

“Only Laura Croft’s daughter would consider an end of the world cult standard. Well…maybe Gina’s daughter, but she doesn’t have one…”

Lily bristled at the mention of Gina’s name, and asked, “Why are you telling me, or rather, telling us?”

Mitchell smiled. “We’re an ‘us…’”

Lily rolled her eyes, and sighed.

The man laughed. “You two are DEFINITELY going to hook up…” After a look at Lily’s intense stare, he changed the subject. “And I’m telling you because I know where the Ark REALLY is.”

Mitchell smiled, and leaped forward. “Where! Where! Where!” He had a grin just like that of a cat who was about to catch the canary.

“In a secret government warehouse. Warehouse 23. It’s located outside some two-bit southern town. Pleasantown, or Southville, or something…”

Lily’s mouth gaped open. “Southtown…We live there.”

Mitchell sniffled. “It’s not two-bit. We’ve got at least three-bits…Well, okay, there MIGHT only be one Starbucks within city limits…”

Now it was the man’s turn to gape. “You live in the same town as a secret government warehouse?”

Mitchell nodded. “Apparently. And I’m surprised. I mean, we were in the Guinnes book of records for biggest population of freaks, weirdoes, and super-powered individuals…”

The man rolled his eyes. “I’m getting too old for this.”

Mitchell smiled. “It’s gotta be that grain warehouse in the middle of nowhere, I mean, who stores grain, and puts THAT many do-not-disturb signs…”

Lily looked at the man. “Um…no offense, but who ARE you, anyway. You just pop up, and offer info…”

The man smiled. “I’m Dr. Indiana Jones. My friends call me Indy.”

Lily nearly choked on a bit of spit. She coughed for a few seconds, and did NOT regain her composure. “THE INDIANA JONES! THE FAMOUS ARCHEOLOGIST/TREASURE HUNTER! MY MOM HAD A HUGE CRUSH ON YOU WHEN SHE WAS A KID…well, she says so, anyway. I haven’t heard THAT many of her stories about her past…did see both her movies, though…”

Indiana shook his head. “I’m DEFINITELY getting too old for this…”

Lily was about to say more, when strong hands grabbed her from behind, and hoisted her up on broad shoulders. The ground was a blur under her.

She looked in front of her face and saw a furry tail wagging in front of her eyes. Her cheeks puffed out in anger. “Mitchell…put me down.”

Mitchell wasn’t listening. He was running at something approximating the speed of sound, and muttering rapidly to himself. “Ark. Ark. Ark. Ark. Ark. Ark.”

Lily crossed her arms in front of her ample chest, and humped.

Meanwhile, at Lily’s private jet, a special forces group, affiliated with the Iranian military, awaited the arrival of the heroes.

A soldier walked up to his commander, and saluted. <General Akbar, sir. The American, and the Briton, have been sighted in town.>

Akbar smiled, and laughed. <GWAHAHAHA! Soon, the dogs will PAY for what they did to me.> He held up his right arm. It was no longer organic, but was instead, made of gleaming metal. His new arm shone silver against the sky.

As he stood there, he heard a faint rumbling. He blinked, still posed, with his arm thrust into the sky.

Before he could figure out what happened, he was crushed to the ground, as Mitchell smashed through the military blockade, muttering to himself. “Ark. Ark. Ark. Ark.”

General Akbar looked up at the sky, and wondered what went wrong, as the jet took off, into the sky. Forever out of his reach.

<Yes…I think he did…and if he did, we will know where to find him…>

Mitchell was humming happily, sitting in his seat, with a big smile on his face.

Lily, however, was slightly worried. “Um…What’s so big about the ark, to you.”

Mitchell stopped humming, and turned to Lily. “Um…this is hard to explain…As you know, I’m pretty much a born-again Christian…”

Lily muttered, “If a bad one…”

“What’s that mean?”

“You DID work with the Mafia.”

“Well, at the same time I was working with them, I was also opposing them. I was also secretly the vigilante hero, the Shadowcat!”

“Shadowcat?”

“I wore a special device, which encased me in shadows. It also prevented them from seeing me bleed, so it looked like bullets didn’t harm me. And, with a few of the spells I know, like teleportation, along with some fun gadgets, I was able to appear invincible. That was fun…I went for the ‘Dark Knight Returns’ style, and made punks/goons regret their choices…I got really good at limb shots…”

Lily stared at him, straight-faced. “You broke bad guy’s knees.”

Mitchell nodded. “Not only useful, but also therapeutic. Especially when my mom tends to be a bit smothering…”

“Okay…but what’s this got to do with the Ark.”

“Absolutely nothing. I just want that because, well. It’s a treasure of God himself, and it’s said to be sacred to him. It’s a shame it was lost, and I just wish that something so holy could be found. It deserves to be honored, not put in some crate and filed away next to an Elvis clone.”

“Oh. But how are you going to get it? I mean, we can’t just break into the place…”

Mitchell smiled, a Cheshire grin. He laughed evily.

Lily sighed. “I should have known.” Normally, she would have blown her hair out of her eyes, or something, but she couldn’t do that at the present time. Since she was hanging upside down from the ceiling of Warehouse 23, her hair was facing the ground.

Mitchell muttered, “Go”, and dropped to the ground. He landed with catlike grace on the ground, and adjusted his mask. He was wearing what appeared to be a ninja costume, of the type that you could get in a Halloween store. The fact that is was exactly what it appeared to be explained this. Unfortunately, this meant he had to stay in his human form, because ninja costumes don’t stretch.

Lily landed behind him, with equally catlike grace. She was wearing a sleek black bodysuit, with her guns on each hip. Her mask was perfectly designed to both protect her face, and to conceal her identity. She clenched her chest a bit. “Hm…armor’s a bit stiff…Might want to keep my acrobatics down a bit.”

Mitchell straightened up. “Okay, now we just have to find the ark…Except I have no idea where it is…It’s probably in a big crate somewhere.”

Lily looked around. There were crates everywhere, wall to wall. Hundreds of identical crates, maybe thousands. “WHICH big crate?”

Mitchell laughed nervously. “I guess we start looking.”

Lily sighed. “Why did I go along with this…Oh yeah, the money.” When she thought more, she got a sudden mental image of her with glowing red eyes, and the Ark behind her, and all her enemies bowing before her. She shrugged it off. Okay…I apparently have an evil streak in me…but power would be…shrug it off…

Mitchell had his head in a crate. “Ooh…Pheromones. Make the chicks dig you. Wait, this only works on chickens…”

Lily shook her head, and looked in a crate. “Hey, this grants immortal life!”

Mitchell asked, “Does it mention immortal youth?”

“No…”

“Skip it, I’ve heard rumors of something like that. You don’t want to look your age when you’re a couple of centuries old…”

Lily winced, and she moved to another crate

Mitchell, meanwhile, peeked in the next crate. “Hey, I found a tribble!”

“Really?”

“Yeah, two of them. No, wait…four of them. 16…”

“CLOSE IT!”

Mitchell slammed the crate shut.

Lily moved to the next one, and opened it to find packing peanuts. She sighed. “Okay…

And so, the heroes continued to search.

“Hey, snue!”

“What’s snue?”

“I don’t know. What’s snue with you.”

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Lily and Mitchell, there were others in the building, who were tasked with guarding the mysterious objects which lie amongst them. One was the prince of an ancient, alien race, with the power of mystical artifacts bonded to his very body, while the other was a beautiful lady, tall, with a strength many men would envy, who unfortunately did not have control.

Xane smiled. “So, Stripe, what do you think of this place?”

Stripe looked around. “I’m surprised…I thought we’d be helping people, not guarding some secret government facility.”

Xane shrugged. “Some guys threaten to steal the ark, and we have to guard it.”

“You really think somebody can break into this place?”

“Nah, I doubt it. And if anybody did, we’d just beat them to a pulp, right.”

“Right. We’d subdue them with all force necessary.”

Mitchell furrowed his brow. “You know, I suddenly got a really bad feeling.”

Lily turned back, “Is it because you’re pocketing half of this stuff?”

“No…It’s as if we’re in deep trouble…”

“See previous question.”

Mitchell shook his head, and opened up a book. “Ooh…magic books. Aura magic, Black magic for dummies, Alchemy…Hey! Dr. Diggers did the Foreword on this one!”

Lily closed her crate on a group of Evil Furbies, who had tried to bite her fingers. “Really?”

“Yeah…Oh, and this one has magic for the deaf!”

“That’s useful…Can I borrow the ‘for dummies’ one?”

“In a sec, I wanna look at the ‘deaf’ one, I’ve gotten my throat crushed more than once…Hey! This spell for summoning demons…come here…”

Lily walked over. “That’s…the Macarena….”

“Apparently, it’s designed to summon some demon that feeds off greed.”

“That explains Martha Stewart.”

“Oh, and the electric slide demon feeds off death, hatred, and lust.”

“Rap music.”

“Probably.”

Lily chuckled, and opened a crate. Rasputin lay within, twitching. “Help…me…”

“Are you okay?” Rasputin looked ill, and clearly suffered from radiation poisoning.

“The horror….the horror…”

“Of what?”

“Tinky…winky…”

Lily slammed the crate shut. “Okay…that was scary.”

Mitchell poked his head up. “This one just says Hastur…hastur…hastur.”

“He’s a demon called ‘the unspeakable one’. To speak his name is to bring his wrath upon you, and he will send his unholy servants to rend your flesh and steal your soul.”

“Ouch…”

Lily headed towards the next aisle, but quickly jumped back. “SHIT!”

Mitchell looked back. “What? I just found a painting of myself, looking into a crate, at a painting of myself…”

“There’s people in the other aisle. A tiger-person in a suit, and a women who looks like She-Hulk’s cousin.”

“Okay…you take the tiger-guy, I take She-Hulk. Wait…Tiger-guy…were they wearing clothes?”

“Yeah, suits, why?”

“Was the tiger-guy chatting up the girl?”

“No…didn’t look like it, why?”

“Then it wasn’t Tirga…maybe Stripe…don’t kill him, okay?”

“You know him?”

“Maybe…There can’t be that many humanoid tigers on Earth-realm…We’ll use the crates to get the drop on them…”

Lily nodded, and the two got ready to jump…

Stripe furrowed his brow. “I definitely have a bad feeling…”

Xane bended closer to him. “You sure it’s not just boredom, after all, we are pretty much completely alone here…with nothing to do…”

Stripe shook his head, presumably oblivious to the innuendo. “No…I have artifacts bonded to me…one of them is sensing…THERE!”

He spun around, and saw two figures, one male, one female, perched on the top of two stacks of crates. The female jumped towards him, while the male jumped toward Xane. He and Xane jumped away from each other, and the male’s first move was to duck away into another aisle. Xane followed, and Stripe lost sight of her.

Stripe cursed to himself in his native tongue, and looked over his opponent. She had a well-developed martial arts stance, that was just a little bit too formal. Stripe looked over her. “Will you identify yourself, so I know my attacker?”

Lily looked over her opponent. “You may call me Lily.” She looked over her opponent. He had a expert stance, and she could tell that he was good. She bit her lip. This was going to be hard.

Lily started off the match with a spin kick to Stripe’s skull. Stripe, however, simply ducked under it, and pushed his feet off the ground. He jumped at Lily, and brought his fist back.

Lily quickly finished her kick, and leaped towards the nearby wall of crates, she jumped at it, but kicked off immediately. She landed right behind Stripe, but quickly spun around to face her.

Lily began shifting her feet around, then let loose another punishing kick, this one aimed at Stripe’s ribs. But he blocked it, and used the opening to punch at Lily’s own ribs. She blocked it as well, and winced.

The two disengaged, and stared at each other. Each of them had the same thought going through their head. “Even match…”

Meanwhile, Xane ran around a corner, into a loose clearing, with a few scattered crates everywhere. She crouched down, and looked around. “Okay, little kid…I don’t want to have to beat you up…I’d have to fill out forms, and that drives me crazy…Plus, you really don’t have a chance…”

She heard a voice, deeper than expected, laugh behind her. She spun around, still crouched, and saw that Mitchell had changed. Instead of a child in a ninja costume, there was an extremely muscular were-cheetah in a ripped shirt, which showed off his rippling pectorals. His pants were black, and ripped at the outer edges. Unfortunately, in Xane’s opinion, they were still decent. She did like the mask, which was a half-mask that barely covered his nose. It looked exotic. The clawlike sheath, with a jeweled sword in it, completed the ensemble.

Xane smiled, “So…are you an intruder, or trying out for a male stripper…”

Mitchell’s eyes widened. “Um…I’m an intruder…”

Xane’s smile widened. “Oh…goody. That means I get to do a ‘cavity search.’”

Mitchell assumed a fighting stance. “ONLY IF YOU CAN TOUCH ME!”

Xane cracked her knuckles. “Okay…battle first…don’t suppose beating you means I wed you?”

Mitchell shook his head. “I’m not from a deserted island or something. I live here…I’m just fuzzy.”

Mitchell ran at Xane, but stopped as she straightened up to her full height. She was over eight feet tall.

Mitchell screeched to a stop. “You’re…big…”

Xane smiled, and grabbed Mitchell. She picked him up, spun him around, and crashed him into one of the scattered crates.

Mitchell tried to ignore the ringing in his ears, and grabbed around in the crate. He found what appeared to be a weapon, and hit blindly at Xane. He felt her let go, and twisted out of the crate.

He saw that Xane was staggering back, holding her nose, and his hand held a bat. As he saw a look of dawning realization on Xane’s face, he looked at his weapon. “Clue Bat…” He tossed it away.

Xane looked at him. “So…you’re after the Ark…I can’t let you have it.” She thought for a second. “But you can have ME…”

Mitchell gulped, but kept in his stance. “Sorry…you’re nice, but my heart belongs to another.”

Xane sighed. “Darn…Oh well, no need to worry about getting on your bad side!” She picked up another crate, and tried to crash it over Mitchell’s head.

As it smashed into the ground, Xane realized something. She couldn’t hear any bones break…or feel any resistance. Before her thoughts could go much farther, Mitchell’s foot hit her in the face, and she flipped over backwards.

Mitchell smiled, as Xane landed facedown on the floor. The were-cheetah scanned the area for other crates, and saw a promising one. As Xane got up, he rushed over to it, and tore it open. Inside was a series of blue balls, made of a sticky substance. He shrugged, and tossed one at Xane.

Xane, was just getting up when the thing hit her in the face. She threw it off in disgust as she felt the thing writhe. When it hit the ground, it formed a flat surface, and began to quickly spread over the ground. Soon, it had formed a large mat.

The mat quickly began to raise off the ground, and four small posts formed at each corner. Rope began to snake across, connecting the posts. In seconds, it was complete.

Mitchell’s mouth hit the floor. “An instant wrestling ring!”

Xane smiled, and posed in the center of the arena. She grabbed her outfit, and ripped it off, revealing she was wearing a Warrior Princess Bikini, like Xena, under it.

Mitchell shook his head, and climbed into the ring, putting his sword and his hidden hyperspace transporter in a corner. (He used it for his gadgets, when not using a backpack or something.) The two opponents stared at each other, and got ready to battle.

Lily balanced on the balls of her feet, keeping her weight balanced, allowing her to quickly dodge almost any strike. She constantly shifted her weight, making sure to keep Stripe from predicting her moves.

Stripe, however, kept his weight solidly focused, granting him a powerful stance. Lily could tell at a glance that he was still fast, though. Despite his fur, she noticed that most of his muscle structure and such appeared to be human.

Okay, Lily…You know how to “read” moves…It’s easy…Just don’t get distracted…Hm…he looks like Sempai…NO! Don’t think about your old boy-friend…And just because he thought that Japanese nicknames were cute does NOT…

Lily’s thoughts were interrupted by a quick high kick from Stripe. She nearly staggered back, but instead pushed off with her feet, doing a triple back-flip in mid-air, and landing back in her stance, her left hand brushing the blood from her nose. She smiled.

Amateur mistake Lily…You’re off your game…Well…This works for Sifu…

She took her index finger, which was covered in blood. She slowly moved it to her mouth and licked the blood off it. Then she screamed, a fierce, primal scream, and rushed at Stripe with amazing speed.

Stripe couldn’t help but stagger back at her sudden insanity. He shifted his weight to his back foot, and began to step back. Unfortunately, by that time, she was already on top of him. A series of quick, sharp blows to his stomach knocked him off balance, until they finally stopped. He began to lean forwards, as he watched Lily smirk, and a dark look spread across her features. Her right leg was far back in her stance…His eyes widened in fear, as she snapped out in a roundhouse kick straight to his right temple. It knocked him into one of the crates, which cracked as his head bounced off. He slowly staggered to his feet

Lily’s smirk did not fade, as she reared back, preparing her right haymaker. She spun her fist, and struck at Stripe’s face, for her finishing move. However, Stripe’s hand shot up, and caught her fist.

She straightened up, pulling her left hand down as he straightened up. She tried for a right jab, but he blocked that too. She found herself staring up at Stripe’s face, her right hand trapped below her outstretched left hand.

She glared at him, “You know, this is pretty…Hya!” She tried to knee him, but his own knee intercepted it. “Awkward…”

Stripe nodded, “I don’t want to hurt you…” She tried to twist her hands out of his grip. He resisted her, keeping her restrained…”But you…are pretty strong for your size…”

“I work out…” Maybe I shouldn’t have maced that crazed Yank…He said that my strength came from “Slayer Herritage”…But killing vampires isn’t my thing…

Stripe continued restraining her, “Do I have to hurt you?”

She glared at him, “Try it…”

He released her right hand. Surprised, she pulled it back to her waist…then she noticed he’d done the same. She realized his plans, and made one last move to pull her left hand from his grip. She was too late, as his right hand smashed into her fore-arm. She felt bone crack, as he finally released his iron-clad grip. She staggered back out of range, clutched her wounded arm.

“I think you shattered my bone.”

Stripe looked at her, a sad look in his eyes. “Yes, I did…I don’t want to hurt you any more…”

Lily bent over, not looking at Stripe’s face. Her left arm fell to her side, as she continued rubbing it. “You’re right…I can feel the damage…A single punch would permenantly crack my arm…Of course…” She pulled it back, and dropped her right hand down, revealing her pistol. She quickly drew it, twisted her wrist, and fired from her waist.

Stripe barely had the time to blink.

Mitchell looked at Xane, and stood in a loose stance, shoulder width apart, “I pity tha fool who mess with Mr. Anderson!”

“Mr. Anderson!”

“What? It’s my last name…Would you prefer Mr. M?”

“I thought it’d be Thomas…”

Mitchell sauntered over to Xane, confidence in his every move. She matched him, no fear whatsoever in her eyes.

He smiled as they reached each other. “Watch WWE?”

“Love it…” Her fist swung out at him, but he caught it.

He laughed, a laugh utterly without malice. It was a child’s laugh. “Big mistake…I can read moves!” He grabbed her by the throat, and extended his arm.

Xane simply stood still. She hadn’t budged an inch. “I take it you’ve never fought someone bigger than you?”

Mitchell giggled nervously. “This…is gonna hurt.”

Xane’s hand shot down, and grabbed Mitchell by the throat. She lifted him up, and slammed him back into the mat. He saw stars.

Xane hefted him up, and twisted him around. She grabbed him by the waist, and began to lift him up.

Mitchell shook his head, and put his right leg behind hers, and his tail behind her left leg. He planted his left foot, and pulled with both his right leg and tail. Xane lost her balance, and began to fall. Unfortuantely, she didn’t let go of Mitchell.

The two hit the ground, hard. Xane on bottom, and Mitchell on top, both the two facing front.

Xane twitched. “Ow…”

Mitchell laughed again. “Wow…that didn’t hurt nearly as much as I thought it would…It felt cushioned…”

Xane’s eye twitched.

Mitchell, oblivious, was still smiling. “You can’t suplex somebody like me so soon…You gotta ‘weaken’ me first. Like Pokemon. This isn’t fake you know…”

He paused for a second. “Now how do I get up?”

Xane pushed up with the palm of her hands, sending Mitchell rolling forwards. He yelled, “That’ll woooooork!”

Xane climbed up slowly, while Mitchell turned his roll into a handstand, and flipped to his feet.

Mitchell assumed his loose stance again, while Xane did the same. She jumped at him, her fist raised. Mitchell simply leaped over her, and bounced off her back. He spun around in mid-air, and landed again in his stance.

Xane turned around to face him. “You think this is a game, don’t you?”

Mitchell smiled. “Yep. Neither of us is in mortal danger…And it’s fun, testing your heart against another…Seeing who has the skill, the strength, the ability to succeed in the end.”

Xane looked at him curiously. “Interesting philosophy…Let’s test it!”

She rushed him yet again, and he ducked under her, sending her flying into the air. She landed on her back, and Mitchell walked over to her. He grabbed her right wrist, and thought for a second. “Do you have ANY other battle strategies?”

Xane shook her head. Mitchell’s voice sounded far away, and she couldn’t really tell what was happening. “Yeah…Wait…”

Mitchell locked his legs around her arm, placing his feet across her chest and face. He fell back, still holding her arm. He pulled hard her wrist, stretching her elbow past breaking point. Xane began to scream.

She began to pull back against Mitchell, trying to escape. Mitchell gritted his teeth as she pulled harder. He continued pulling, testing his full strength. Xane’s screams turned from screams of pain, to a yell of power. He could hear her almost growl.

She yelled out, “XANE…SMASH!”, and wrenched her arm. Mitchell was ripped off the ground, and found himself suspended in mid-air. He gulped, “Oh…Crap. Guess your ‘heart’ is a bit bigger than I expected…”

Xane took a few deep breaths, and then smiled. “Oh, you haven’t seen ANYTHING yet!” She let her arm drop back to the mat, letting gravity smash Mitchell with it. She then picked up her arm again, leaving it straight in the air.”

Mitchell’s head lolled from side to side. Then Xane dropped him again. Then she lifted him again. Then she dropped him again.

Mitchell lost count about the fifteenth time. Xane just left him there, and slipped her arm out of the grip. She smiled, and cracked her knuckles. “Alright…Now it’s time for the fun part!”

Mitchell didn’t even have the strength to scream.

Fortunately for Stripe, blinking was enough. One second he was there, the next second he was gone.

Lily gritted her teeth as he disappeared. “Bloody…URK!” She felt something hard smash into her shoulders, as she was knocked to the ground, arse over elbows. From her upside down perspective, she was able to see her attacker. It was Stripe.

He looked at her, and explained. “I can teleport.”

She rolled to her feet, and twisted around. She saw only the empty space where he was, just a second ago. Then it dawned on her. “Oh…Bugger.”

This time, he struck her in the right temple, causing her to rebound off a crate. She slumped to the ground, hate in her eyes, as he appeared in front of her. She smiled, and fired off a quick shot with her gun.

He teleported backwards, farther away from her up the corridor, to her right. She shot again, aiming more carefully. He teleported closer, just in time to see her pull the trigger again. He teleported backwards. Lily shot off again, causing him to teleport to near the end of the corridor. She got her spare ammo in her fist, as she fired off a three shot volley. Stripe managed to dodge the first two, but the third was headed directly for his skull.